Shopping. I’ve got my pepper spray and I’m going shopping! I really need me a $2 waffle iron (even though I’m gluten free) and a $3 Barbie, which I’ll leave in the box because one day it will be worth $4! I’m going to spend the next 22 days muscling my way through the aisles, laughing as I go.
Bad daddy. A father at a Kentucky Kroger loaded his holiday groceries into his car and forgot to put away one thing: his 6-month-old. The dad drove 3 blocks before realizing his mistake. Distraught, he returned to find his baby being offered as a door buster special. Just kidding. Actually, he returned to find his baby in the store manager’s office. No charges were filed. Though the dad did decide to pick up a turkey, so he’d have a mate.
Shopping bug is contagious! A couple at a Georgia Walmart loaded their newfound treasures from China into their car and drove off, forgetting to load their 2-year-old grandson. He was left sitting in the shopping cart in the parking lot. Fortunately, another customer, perhaps desperate to find a cart, found the boy and took him into the store. The grandparents came back 30 minutes later and were charged with reckless conduct and for spending a dollar too much on a $2 waffle iron.
No more war. The U.S. Department of Defense has asked scientists at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia to create an odor so universally repulsive it would be unbearable by people of all cultures. According to psychologist Pamela Dalton, who studies the development of odor preferences (new career anyone?), they’re focusing on odors with biological origins—vomit, poop, body odors, rotting garbage, and burnt hair. How? Well, to create the smell of decaying flesh, they collected a dead mouse from a trap and placed the animal in a plastic bag to “age.” Then, they sniff it and analyze the chemical components. Yuck!
Congrats! A little belated, but cheers to Shemika Charles, the Guinness World record holder in limbo. She shimmied under a bar that was only 8.5 inches from the ground. Seriously. Get out your ruler and see how low that is. Girl can get down!
Quotables. Here are a few juicy tidbits I’ve heard at dinner over the last few weeks: “That’s not a mid-life crisis. He is going through a delayed adolescence.” “I don’t want to brag. But I’ve been wearing designer all my life.” “It’s not easy raising parents.” And a personal favorite: “Well, let’s just call a turd a turd.”
Question of the week: In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was all summer when we were complaining about the heat?
Paraprosdokian of the week: Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Joke of the week: A merry judge asked the defendant before him, “What are you charged with?” The defendant replied. “Doing my Christmas shopping early.” The judge shook his head. “That’s no offense. My wife would be proud. How early were you doing this shopping, son?” “Um,” said the guy, “Before the store opened.”
Now, buy it, wrap it up and eat your dinner!
