August 2. Forget throwing the Tea Bags into the harbor, I’ve decided to just abandon ship. As Republicans and Democrats fight over the debt plan, or lack thereof, I’m off to Taiwan where there are apparently no Republicans or Democrats. I hope by the time I get back, those we’ve elected figure out how to create jobs and close the loopholes.
Gilligan’s Island. Have you ever seen photos of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch? That’s the ever-growing island of plastic, floatables, and chemical sludge that is currently estimated to measure from .4 percent to 8 percent of the entire Pacific Ocean. I’ve got an idea. Let’s make it an actual island and send people like that Norway killer and that acquitted Mom Casey to live there.
$1,000 sweaty socks! I love entrepreneurs. Steiner Sports Marketing in partnership with the Yankees and Major League Baseball decided to make a retail bonanza when Derek Jeter achieved his 3000th major league hit in July. Collectors were offered items from the game, including the bases ($7,500 each), 30 balls used during the game ($2,000 each, unsigned), half-ounce containers of clay walked on by Jeter during the game ($250 a pop), and, yes, even Jeter’s sweaty socks ($1,000). Don’t argue with me. This is definitely a fetish.
Miss Polly Dent. Who knew there was a Ms. Alabama Nursing Home? Well, there is! And 100-year-old Felma Schrimshire is this year’s winner. She beat out more than 70 other beauties for the crown (and a lifetime supply of Metamucil.) The judges chose Felma over other grannies because of her weekly visits to every single resident at her nursing home to give them an “encouraging word.” When was the last time you even waved to your neighbor?
Boob job. There’s an app for that! Since breast enhancement surgery is expensive and painful, you might decide to use your iPhone to give yourself a preview. The app, which costs a dollar, allows you to take a photo and with a few taps, drags, and pinches, give the image some Pamela Andersons. Yes, I’m sure some programmer is already working away at a version for men. I’ll call it the “Sausage Maker.”
Paraprosdokian: “A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” Here’s one: “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
Question of the week: Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
Now, eat your dinner!
