Sidesplitting. Any of you who’ve had a kidney stone will want to send me a sympathy card for my suffering because I was awaken this week by “the worst pain I’ve ever felt.” (That phrase pops up thousands of times when you Google the symptoms: low back pain, nausea, cold sweats.) “Pebbles” (yes, I’ve named her) is like a guest who broke your grandma’s China and refuses to either clean it up or leave. Pain medicine aside, I’d like this chapter closed. Most hilarious, yet oddly comforting, line was by my friend Tom: “This too, shall pass.”
Bam! Oh, the Lord does work in mysterious ways. In a flash, 89-year-old Harold Camping, the man who incorrectly predicted (then postponed) the Rapture, has suffered a stroke. Being with my own ailment, I will not throw stones, but I will suggest it is remarkably coincidental that the false prophet’s speech was affected. I’ll also go out on a limb and predict Camping dies on October 21, 2011. God just might very well be a prankster.
Speaking of dead… Leonard Stern, the creator of Mad Libs, my favorite fourth grade word game obsession, is dead! Poor _______ (noun). He’s gone to be with his ________ (adjective) _________ (noun) in __________ (noun). May he ________ (verb) in ________ (noun) forever.
Mr. Independent. Donald Trump, the on-again-off-again-on-again presidential candidate with the bad hair, sat out the Republican Debate this week. He doesn’t need to debate, silly! He’s now considering a run as an independent. This week he told Sean Hannity that only he or Obama can win. First Lady Melania will travel between the White House and the studios of QVC, where she’ll continue to hawk her “Melania™ Timepieces & Jewelry” collection.
White trash. We’re in an economic crisis with 14 million Americans unemployed and 2.2 million homes in foreclosure, so it seems a little Miss Piggy for reality starlet Kim Kardashian to flaunt her $2 million engagement ring and then put in her gift registry requests: $38,000 plate settings, a $7,850 vase, and a $175 mustard jar. Wouldn’t it have been so much better for her to suggest wealthy friends to make a charitable donation? I’d bet my $1 Bell jar vase I bought last weekend at a garage sale that her popularity has peaked.
Speaking of hussies… Have you heard that scientists are worried that Australia’s koalas might become extinct? On top of problems with cars, dogs, and global warming, the koala gang is ripe with the sexually transmitted disease, Chlamydia. Oh, don’t you just love an adorable slut?
I scream. I don’t know if this is true, but I’ll report it as such because it sounds so darn yummy. The Gothamist is saying that Ben & Jerry’s will introduce a new flavor this year for the holiday season. What is it? According to Saturday Night Live alum Anna Gasteyer the flavor is “Schweddy Balls,” based on the massively popular skit she did with Alec Baldwin. Please tell me it is chock full of two big, plump marshmallows coated in chocolate shavings with a load of crème fresh.
Knee high. This week the Guinness Book of World Records visited the Philippines to measure and crown 18-year-old Junrey Balawing as the “world’s shortest man.” At 23.6 inches, Balawing is almost three inches shorter than the previous record holder, 26.4-incher Khagendra Thapa Magar of Nepal. Both have announced plans to go for the world’s record in limbo.
June weddings. Why is June the most popular month for weddings? Is it because of the good weather? Maybe. Or perhaps it’s because of the Summer Solstice, which the ancients thought was the peak of fertility and sexuality. That’s next week, people! So, have fun!
Ode to summer. To quote James Dent: “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” Wishing you the happiest summer.
Now, light the grill and eat your dinner!