Give me a minute. According to Shanghai Web Designers, here’s what happens every 60 seconds on the web: There are 695,000 status updates on Facebook. (ie., “just burned my toast.”) Almost 100,000 Tweets are Tweeted. (ie., “while reading this you will have just wasted 5 seconds of your life.”) Google serves more than 694,445 queries. (ie., “How do I get an opossum out of the house?”) And something like 14 billion eyeballs are looking at porn.
Speaking of Tweets, Anthony Weiner’s wiener is so last week. This week, it was all about The Pope’s Tweet. The Prada Pontiff celebrated the 60th Anniversary of his ordination into priesthood by picking up his iPad and tweeting: “Dear Friends, I just launched News.va. Praised be our Lord Jesus Christ! With my prayers and blessings, Benedictus XVI.” And with that the world’s biggest hacker target was born. Amen.
Speaking of Weiners… Have recent personal Internet scandals got you Twittering in your shoes? Are you scared of late night booze induced updates? Well, there’s an app for that! “Internet Shame Insurance” adds “privacy reminders” to Facebook, Twitter, and Gmail to help you avoid “common online communication faux pas.” If I had a teenager or was a politician, I’d be investing in this insurance faster than you can say Geico.
Hairy scary. Mattel announced that its best-selling doll for the age-6-and-up market, is “Clawdeen Wolf,” the teen werewolf “Monster High” model who comes with heavy makeup, a short skirt, big breasts, and high boots, and spends most of her time “waxing, plucking and shaving.” Mattel claims the doll celebrates girls’ imperfections. Oh, great. The coolest ghoul in school has hairy legs. That really makes me want to celebrate!
Crocodile tox. Several of you wrote to ask about my item last week about flesh-eating levamisole, the de-worming drug being used to cut cocaine. It’s true, you news junkies! And now the Russian government says there’s a new opiate to fuel everything that addicts you. “Krokodil” is a home brew made out of “gasoline, paint thinner, hydrochloric acid, iodine and red phosphorous” plus the key ingredient, codeine. Why is it called “crocodile”? Because you inject it in your forehead and it turns the skin “greenish and scaly.” My question: What’s wrong with vodka?
Now, light those illegal fireworks and eat your dinner!
