Summer… fun! I’m slathering on sunscreen and roasting s’mores as we speak. Let’s start our romp with a summer tip my friend Jodi shared: “Don’t wait for the fun bus to come pick you up, just drive it yourself.” If you’re boring this summer, it’s your own darn fault!
Wedding bells. June is the wedding capital of the calendar. At least a billion hideous bridesmaid dresses will be stuffed into the back of the closet by July 1. But the question in NY is: will it be “Yay!” or nay? Will we hear wedding bells for all the gays in the village? I’m with Whoopi Goldberg: “If you aren’t for gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.”
Septic shock! Gawker has reported that Boulder, Colorado police are on the lookout for a real stinker, a peeping Tom who hid inside a porta-potty at last week’s Hanuman Yoga Festival. Are you with me? A female yogi lifted the lid to do her business and discovered something moving in the tank. Though a security guard tried to detain the shirtless man, he slipped away. Police are currently on the lookout for a man covered in feces.
Speaking of poopers, I dropped by News of the Weird this week to read about a 53-year-old California man who told police that a woman came to his home, instructed him to drop his pants, and get down on the bed so she could give him an enema. Having recently had intestinal surgery, the man complied. In two minutes, she was gone and the man called his doctor. Um, no enema was ordered, he was the victim of an enema enthusiast. This fetish gained attention in the 1970s when the “Illinois Enema Bandit” went into people’s houses and really cleaned them out. Never heard of it? Check out Frank Zappa’s rock classic “Illinois Enema Bandit Blues.”
WARNING! Put down that cigarette! The FDA has told cigarette manufacturers that new graphic warnings must be affixed to tobacco products by October 2012. The nine images are gory, including blackened lungs, rotting teeth, and a man with a smoking tracheotomy hole in his neck. Next step, candy bars will include pictures of fat people on scooters.
WARNING! Put down that blow! The Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology is reporting that 70% of cocaine is being cut with levamisole, a veterinary drug used for de-worming livestock. Problem with levamisole is it rots your flesh off. Six patients have already been found with “purple-colored patches of necrotic skin on their ears, nose, cheeks and other parts of their body.” Your flesh will fall off, but hey, on the upside, you got high and don’t have worms.
WARNING! HBO’s True Blood is back for season four. Don’t watch if you can’t handle blood and the hotness of Joe Manganiello as the oft-naked Alcide. Coincidentally, AOL News reports that two Italian entrepreneurs have created a perfume to evoke the scents of a person’s blood type. Like a great wine connoisseur, one member of the vampire community described Type B as “black cherry, pomegranate and patchouli infusions” and Type O as “raspberry, rose hips and birch.” I’ll stick with Stetson, thanks.
Happy graduation! My Life 101 advice: Find what you enjoy doing and do more of it.
Now, eat your dinner!
“Your flesh will fall off, but hey, on the upside, you got high and don’t have worms”
FTFOMCL = Fell the f**k off my chair laughing