Bruce Littlefield's Life 101

Oscar Wieners. It’s Oscar weekend, people. The Super Bowl for non-jocks! This year there are ten best picture nominees. Though the Oscar will go to “The King’s Speech,” wouldn’t it be fun if “Toy Story 3” pulled an upset? By the way, accidentally type “Oscar Wiener” into Google and it’ll suggest “Oscar Winners.” Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener!
Speaking of offensive… Some people in Fort Wayne, Indiana have their knickers in a knot because 10,000 of their neighbors have signed a petition to name the city’s new civic building after the city’s longest serving mayor, one Harry Baals. Why not the “Harry Baals Center”? It would certainly be an economic boon for “Hair Masters,” a waxing and plucking establishment just down the road.
Speaking of hair… The non-Grammy winner, Justin Bieber made headlines this week by cutting his hair. National news?! His quote: “It was like in my eyes, and I just wanted it kind of out of my face.” It won’t make headlines, but it will make a blog: I trimmed my nose hairs this morning. “It was either that or bead them.” And you can quote me.
Smoke out. Beginning this summer if you are caught smoking in a NYC park or on a beach, you will be issued a 50-dollar ticket. Yep, thanks to a new law created by Mayor Mike, smokers are going to have to seek greener pastures. I’m no smoker, but really? Will we have a smoking police division? Or will the dog-off-leash police be doing double duty?
Brain alert! According to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, the electromagnetic radiation emitted by a cell phone appears to stimulate nearby regions of the brain to “unusually high levels.” Worry not! The Wall Street Journal says don’t panic…yet… since researchers say they don’t know if this is harmful. Will this be the smoking of the 2060s?
Learn your lesson! Tampa mom Ronda Holder is sick and tired of trying to get her son James’s grades to improve. The AP reports that this week when James presented an awful report card, the mom turned to public embarrassment. She made her son stand on the corner with a poster that read: “I got a GPA 1.22… honk if I need education.” The mom, obviously a doctoral candidate herself, said, “He don’t like to get embarrassed…I’m probably the baddest parent in the world right now…Until he straightens up his grades and gets his education on track, he’s gonna work that corner. This is the job he wants, so he might as well start early.” I seriously hope he has a Golden Voice. Otherwise, prospects seem dim.
Cookies and milk. It’s Girl Scout Cookie season, and a Florida woman is serious about her thin mints. According to Naplenews.com, after discovering that her box of thin mints had been eaten, 31-year-old Hersha Howard grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened her roommate. When the roommate ran for the door, Hersha grabbed herself a board and hit the woman, knocked her to the ground, and hit her again. Hersha’s been charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon. It could have been worse. The Samoas were left untouched.
Speaking of milk… The Ulster County Dairy Princess informs me I missed “National Don’t Cry over Spilled Milk Day” on February 11. The day is a time to regroup and push forward with a positive attitude. And that’s what I was doing, smiling as I shoveled the walk, again, after the tenth snowstorm since Christmas.
Now, eat your dinner!