Are you reading this? If so, it may be before 6 p.m. on Saturday when Harold Camping, radio broadcaster and president of the Family Stations ministry, says the world is going to end. If it’s after 6 p.m. Saturday, oops, Harold was wrong again. He previously predicted the world was going to end in 1994. Either way, I hope you enjoyed the day.
But wait! Apparently, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene have already returned. At least that’s what Australian couple, Alan John Miller and Mary Suzanne Luck, claims to be. “Just a little over 2000 years ago, we arrived on the Earth for the first time,” Jesus Miller writes on his website. “Because of my personal desire and passion for God, as I grew, I recognized not only that I was the Messiah…, but also that I was in a process designed by God that all humans could follow….” Apparently, Australia’s Cult Awareness and Information Centre, said that Jesus Miller is appealing to the vulnerable for financial gain. Not so! says Jesus Miller. “I don’t want to be Jesus. Who wants to be Jesus?”
There’s more! According to theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, there is no heaven. This week, Hawking, who is almost totally paralyzed by motor neorone disease, told The Guardian newspaper that the human brain is like a computer that will just stop working when it’s components fail. “There is not heaven or afterlife for broken-down computers,” he said. “That is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.” I’m not afraid of the dark, but if the world doesn’t end on Saturday, I’m calling tech support.
Don’t be afraid. The world cannot, will not, end before Oprah’s show does! Tuesday night Oprah and her followers gathered at Chicago’s United Center for a star-studded “night of surprises,” even though The O hates surprises! The Hollywood Reporter docutweeted the show and “I Gotta Feeling” (will.i.am) it’s going to be a couch jumping (Tom Cruise), tree planting (Diane Sawyer), Schwarzenegger spitting (Maria Shriver), Amazing Grace (Aretha Franklin) spectacular. It will air May 23rd and 24th, unless, of course, the world has ended.
Glittered. This week, 24-year-old social activist Nick Espinosa used my favorite craft weapon to make Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich “feel the rainbow.” Yep, Nick dusted Newt at a book signing with a handful of glitter. “Stop the hate,” Nick said as he showered Newt with what some haters in the craft community refer to as the “herpes of crafts.” Then, Nick added, “Stop the anti-gay politics. It’s dividing our country and it’s not fixing the economy.” After the attack. Newt said, “Nice to live in a free country” and then proceeded to scoop up the glitter and make a delightful table centerpiece.
Shame Shame, nobody wants your name. Arnold, the Sperminator, Schwarzenegger has admitted he fathered a child with a member of his housekeeping staff. His children immediately sided with mother Maria by tweeting that they are dropping their dad’s surname faster than you can say steroids and will now be known as Patrick Shriver and Katherine Shriver. Don’t you just love that Twitter is now the world’s telegraph for sending out a family SOS? That’s · · · — — — · · · (2011 translation: Sh*t on Schwarzenegger.)
Suckle up. New York City’s 92nd Street Y, home to classes in writing, dance, and wine, has a new class being offered, a breastfeeding workshop where you can learn how to “begin and sustain a satisfying breastfeeding partnership with your baby.” Okay, fine. But the $40 price is “per family.” This is not what I imagine when I say, “plan some family fun” unless, of course, Botox Mommy wants to give her pageant beauty another head start.
Happiness is… Did you hear about the husband and wife who had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th Wedding Anniversary? Husband yelled, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Wife – Cold as Ever!” “Fine,” wifey snapped. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Husband. Stiff at Last.”
Now, wipe that grin off your face and eat your dinner!
Floody waters. Thoughts go out to the people along the bulging Mississippi River as it threatens to destroy crops and antebellum mansions in one of the most-poverty stricken areas of the country. Let’s hope those levees hold. By the by, did you learn to spell Mississippi with the “M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I” technique or did you just remember “Two S” “Two S” “Two P?”
Are you sleepy? Maybe you’re just running yourself ragged, but more likely, you got up at 4 a.m. this week to watch the nuptials of a commoner to a prince. Did you like her dress? Did you laugh at step-mom Camilla? Did you eat a slice of wedding fruitcake? Well, I can tell you I didn’t. I was having some sexy dreams at that hour! But guess what? There’s this thing called the Internet and I saw the whole shebang in a neatly packaged five minutes and have no bags under my eyes as a souvenir.
