Floody waters. Thoughts go out to the people along the bulging Mississippi River as it threatens to destroy crops and antebellum mansions in one of the most-poverty stricken areas of the country. Let’s hope those levees hold. By the by, did you learn to spell Mississippi with the “M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I” technique or did you just remember “Two S” “Two S” “Two P?”
Speaking of #2… Did you hear about the Oregon postman who decided to take a poop on somebody’s lawn? Yep, nature called and he answered it right behind someone’s trashcans. Talk about return to sender! He’s suspended without pay just as the Postal Service announced it lost more than $2 billion in the first three months of the year. Oh, poop! That’s a lot of stamps.
Waffle Home. An air conditioner repairman found something unusual while working on the roof of an Augusta, Georgia Waffle House. A guy had set up home there! Gives me the greasy heebie-jeebies, but in a way it does show ingenuity on his part and smarter roof design by the competition. Only a mountain goat would be able to sleep on the slanted roof of an IHOP!
Speaking of sausage… National Geographic—my go to source for pendulous breasts, elongated necks, and nose rings bones—says that the human male salami used to be spiny. I know what you’re thinking: “OUCH!” Well, apparently these torturous phalluses used to give males a “breeding boost” and apparently still does for the seed beetle (and people into kink). The males with the longest spines are more successful in reproducing because the female can’t use her hind legs to kick herself free (like she can with their less endowed rivals.)
Sex-retary of State. The Brooklyn Hasidic newspaper, Di Tzeitung, photo-shopped Hillary Clinton out of the now-famous situation room photo. Here’s why: “Our editorial policies are guided by a Rabbinical Board and because of laws of modesty, does not allow for the publishing of photos of women. The readership of the Tzeitung believe that women should be appreciated for who they are and what they do, not for what they look like…” Um, who they are and what they do. She’s one of the most powerful women in the world. What are they going to publish when a woman becomes president?
Auto correct. In case you haven’t discovered the joys of the website “damnyouautocorrect.com,” check it out. All about foibles caused by auto correction (most can’t be printed here!) such as: Texter 1: “Can’t wait to see you babe. Hurry up and get here!” Texter 2: “Woo hoo! It’s Friday. Screw the gym! I’m getting pregnant tonight!” Texter 1: “Uh… shouldn’t we talk about that first?” Texter 2: “HAHAHAHA. OMG. I wrote ‘I’m getting pringles’ and it autocorrected to pregnant.” Texter 1: “I almost had a heart attack.”
Haha! Did you hear about the two fish that swam into a concrete wall? Yep. One turned to the other and said, “Dam!”
Now, eat your dinner!
