Don’t call me. A week into the school year and Little Jimmy’s teacher had to call his mom to tell her that Little Jimmy was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” Mommy said. “I had Jimmy for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!”
Lawn chair scare. Last month, after her family drove away on their summer vacation, 75-year-old Evelyn Rogers of Texas decided she’d prop up her feet for the afternoon and take a Country Time Lemonade sit on her patio. She plopped her ample rump on the canvas seat of her aluminum framed lawn chair, and WHAM! It collapsed, trapping her like a bear. She decided her only hope was to stay awake and scream when the paper boy came by at 5 a.m. During the night, her kidneys failed and she had a slight heart attack, but when the paper guy threw the paper, she and her Chihuahua began screaming. Paperboy couldn’t get her out of the chair, but he did hold her hand until the ambulance arrived. Note to self: Get a newspaper subscription.
Dating advice. From my Facebook friend: To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: “Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.” While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lazy-az,… Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz….
Spa treatment. Okay, this is perhaps the most horrific thing I’ve ever written. You might want to cross your legs before you read any further. A 56-year-old Chinese man, Zhang Nan, went for a beauty treatment involving eels. Apparently, knowing an ancient Chinese secret that eels will eat the yucky dead old skin off your body, Zhang got into a bath full of them. Lying there, letting the eels take the years away, something bad happened. A slimy six-inch eel slipped inside his urethra and slithered into his bladder. “Dang!” screamed Zhang, as he was rushed to the hospital for a 3-hour surgery that finally removed the eel. On a happy front, his own six-inch eel is looking a lot younger!
Downhill slide. Things are getting so bad that credit card companies are now sending out pre-declined offers in the mail. CEO’s are cutting back to miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil just gave the pink slip to 15 Congressmen. A picture is now only worth 200 words. And Motel Six is not leaving the light on for you.
Honor Roll. If you have kids, be a good parent and tell them about bullies and encourage your kids not to be one. Instead, teach them to be a good friend. If someone is struggling because they are different, not as pretty as you, or not dressed in the “in” style, step up. It takes so little effort to be nice and your kindness might make a BIG difference in someone’s life.
Paraprosdokian of the week: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Now, watch out for eels and eat your dinner!