Guaranteed returns. From Mike Nickerson, owner of The Black Swan in Tivoli, via Hudson Valley Chronic: If U had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 1 year ago, U would have $49 today! If U purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, U would have $33. If U purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, U would have $0 today. But, if U purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the cans for recycling, U would have $214. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.
“I’ll be [stabbing you in the] back.” Looking like an orange, slightly melted action figure, Arnold Schwarzenegger got out of his Hummer and went biking in California this week wearing an “I Survived Maria” t-shirt. Oh, that’s classy. He knocked up the maid, had a secret love child, and it’s Maria’s fault. Dude, I hope she takes your leathery arse for so much money that you’ll have to wave around a popsicle stick and call it air conditioning.
Ding dang, my ding dong! A man in Phoenix, Arizona is this week’s winner of the Lorena Bobbitt Award (crafted with 100% all-beef). What’d he do? He tucked his girlfriend’s pink pistol into the waistband of his pants and had a premature ejaculation of the bullet… right through the banana in his pants and through his left leg. And you know what that means? He used to hang to the left.
A trunk load! The Pittsburgh Zoo is having an elephant-sized bureaucratic nightmare trying to get the export/import permits for 16 liters of elephant semen out of South Africa and to the U.S. for North America’s first elephant sperm bank. The samples were collected last year in an effort called Project Frozen Dumbo, which hopes to help preserve and breed elephants in captivity without having to ship them zoo to zoo. I know you have questions. So, next week, I’ll answer: when it comes to sperm does size matter?
Reality bites. This season’s finale of “My Strange Addiction” featured a 26-year-old widow whose husband died from a severe asthma attack. After cremating huffin’ hubbie, she carried him with her everywhere—to the mall, to the movies, to dinner. But that’s not her strange addiction. The absolutely nutters part of this sorry saga is after accidentally getting some of the ashes on her finger, she decided to lick them off. And faster than you can say Lindsay Lohan, she’s an ash-licking addict. FYI, it tastes like “rotten eggs, sand, and sandpaper” and she’s currently seeking treatment for her panic that one day she’ll have eaten him all!
Paraprosdokian of the Week: You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Now, eat your dinner!
Dinner Party Talk – For your weekend
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