Good idea #1. I loved this year’s State of the Union concept of reaching across the aisle for a bipartisan date like at a high school dance. That’s a good suggestion for us all. We should sit together and talk a little more. Along those lines, if anyone thinks you and I are ideological opposites and want to go to lunch… I’ll treat. Send me an email.
Good idea #2. Kentucky just passed a law that in order to receive food stamps, Medicaid, and other government assistance you have to pass a drug test.
Good idea #3. Huntington Beach, California’s city council is planning a vote on a new fangled deterrent to DUI. People who are arrested more than one time for driving under the influence, will have their mug shots posted on Facebook. Councilman Devin Dwyer told the AP, “If it takes shaming people to save lives, I am willing to do it.”
This sucks! Forget vampires, you TwiHards. The next time you find yourself having a little hanky-panky, know that a woman in New Zealand had a paralyzing stroke after her paramour gave her a hickey. The New Zealand Medical Journal reported the suction caused a blood clot, which traveled to the woman’s heart. The woman made a full recovery, and she’s now on Match.com.
That blows! If you think the hickey thing is bad, there’s a new disorder on the block—men are becoming allergic to their own semen. First noted by scientists in 2002, apparently there are men who experience flu-like symptoms after ejaculation. Don’t worry, a Dutch professor of sexual psychopharmacology (who knew?) has found a way to treat it: hypo-sensitization therapy. It’s a funky spunky dilution solution.
Where’s the beef? Taco Bell is being sued by an Alabama law firm, which claims that the “beef” on Taco Bell’s menu does not meet the USDA’s definition of beef. Vegetarians: skip this sentence because said definition is: “flesh of cattle.” Unfortunately, what’s called beef is a load of bull, including “isolated oat product,” maltodextrin, anti-dusting agent, sodium phosphate and other things a cow don’t make. Forget lawsuits, I’m reporting this to the Ulster County Dairy Princess.
Holy Frankenstein! The mammoth, extinct for more than 5,000 years, may be back with us in less than 5! That’s the plan anyway of a certain mad professor named at Kyoto University who plans to take nuclei from mammoth cells (a gift from a preserved Russian carcass) and insert them into an elephant’s egg cells from which the nuclei have been removed. The embryo will then be inserted into an elephant’s womb. And she’ll cry in agony as she pops out the monster. Can’t we just explore space or something?
Stop complaining. There are less than 120 days to summer. Does that make you feel any warmer?
Now, eat your dinner.
