Honk! Everywhere I turn someone is sniffling, sneezing, coughing, and aching. Enough already with the nasal New Year.
Lucky Day. After the blizzard, NYC has been a mountain of trash! Bad for most of us, but good for one suicidal man who plummeted nine stories and survived by landing on a pile of the giant black marshmallows. Good, out of something bad. I think the guy should take a job with the sanitation department. It’s definitely a sign.
For Shore! Snooki’s new book, Shore Thing, is out and I have two predictions: First, in a sad statement on America’s literary tastes, it will make the bestseller list. Second, she will not become the next Hemingway. I did learn a new term: “bacne” (back acne that comes from steroids) and how about this for prose: “She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”
Presents. We haven’t discussed the presents you got. Did you get a fruitcake? A doll that pees? I hope not. I consider these the dregs of gift getting. But maybe you’re a proactive parent who bought their young son or daughter SpongeBob Squarepants “Bikini Bottom Groom & Go,” a set of bath foam, play razor, shave brush and comb. Yes, you read that right and you’re probably thinking what I’m thinking – a set to encourage manscaping and bikini waxing in 7-year-olds?! Remember, SpongeBob lives in Bikini Bottom. Oh, that sounds better!
Resolution solution! Well, 25% of you have already broken the big resolute promises you made while tipsy on champagne and you’ve been reading this with a donut in your belly and a cigarette hanging out of your mouth. FYI, the Top 5 Resolutions are: Get in shape. Spend more time with friends and family. Stop smoking. Get out of debt. And enjoy life more. All that sounds good, but the quickest fix I know to living your best life is to be yourself. So, in 2011, BE YOU! The rest will follow.
Now, eat your dinner and enjoy the weekend!
