You don't say?!
Well, the first Rapture was a dud. A real $100 million flop. So, what’s a preacher prognosticator to pronounce about his pretend prophesy? Proclaim that there’s a new & improved Rapture rescheduled for 10/21/2011! Now, we’ve got something to look forward to all summer long.
Public Notice: Please take notice that Bruce Littlefield, residing in New York, hereby declares: If you’d like to ready the paperwork, I will be glad to be guardian of anyone’s good dog or large bank account on 10/22.
Wait a minute. Preacher man said it was going to be rolling earthquakes, right? Does a tornado count as a rolling earthquake? There did seem to be a lot of those this week. Our hearts and thoughts go out to the people of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Kansas. Have you seen the before and after photos of Joplin, Missouri? If that’s the way the Rapture looks, I am not looking forward to October 21.
May 25. It wasn’t the Rapture, but it was The End. Oprah declared it over with a final: “To God be the glory.” There were so many celebrities—from Madonna to Maya Angelou—I really thought she was going to trot out Michael Jackson, Elvis, and Marilyn Monroe and yell, “Surprise, y’all!” I have 3 questions for Oprah: 1) Will you ask people like Tina Turner and Tom Cruise to, respectively, drop by your house and sing and jump on your couch? 2) Every time you go into a crowded room, are you going to feel compelled to yell, “You get a car. And you get a car!”? And 3) What are you going to do every afternoon at 4 o’clock?
The Golden Rule. Musical guest Lady Gaga joined host Justin Timberlake on the socko-boffo season finale of Saturday Night Live. The viral highlight was Timberlake again pairing with Andy Samberg as a sex-crazed ‘90s R&B duo, and belting out another classic to complement their 2006 Emmy winning digital short, entitled “D— in a Box.” (rhymes with lick). For this sketch, Lady Gaga played along with the duo in a video titled “Three-Way (the Golden Rule)”, with the lyrics: “It’s not gay when it’s in a three-way.” (In some circles, that’s known as a gentleman’s agreement.)
Making money. This week Obama took a lesson out of the Trump merchandising playbook and decided to raise campaign cash by issuing an official birth certificate t-shirt. Yep, for a $25 campaign donation you can get your very own “Made in the U.S.A.” attire emblazoned with the Hawaiian document. Or grab a matching coffee mug. I don’t care if Obama flubbed his toast to The Queen, I’ll be wearing my shirt with a big smile.
Taking off. American Freedoms do not include The Mile High Club, even if you’re flying solo. Last week, Kyle Pearce of Florida (isn’t it always Florida?) was flying from Spokane to Denver and felt the urge to, well, seek pleasure in himself. In coach, no less! Yep, seated right there in 18D, he began buffing the banana, and apparently, the lady in 18E says you can’t do that in flight. According to The Smoking Gun, 18E told cops that 18D “ejaculated and got some on the seat.” The FBI agreed and promptly arrested him upon arrival in Denver. If I were his attorney, I’d build my case that the unlawful pat down in security got him all excited.
Now, eat your dinner!
For those of you in the NYC area, I will be appearing at the Clinton Book Shop from 1 until 3 p.m. on Saturday, June 11. Find out more about the event here. As a special treat, I’ll be joined by Dorado and Ursa, two certified therapy dogs who love to be read to, and illustrator Paul Heath who’ll have markers in hand. And on Sunday, June 11, at 2 p.m. we’ll be at the Kingston, New York Barnes & Noble with Westminster and will have fun and games for all. Check it out. Then, next Saturday, June 18, we’ll be center court at the Palisade’s Center Mall playing my doggie game show JePAWdy.™ I’ll also read to Westminster and dogs from the Ramapo Rescue Dog Association (while in my PJ’s on a Sleep Number Store bed decorated by USA Dog Shop!) The event will benefit the fantastic Tails of Hope Foundation and its 9/11 rescue dog tribute. For more information, look here!
