Ah, November… After Snowtober, I’m expecting you, dear month, to be kind and gentle to us. I promise to spend your days finding things to be Thankful for. Hmmm, where to start? I’m going to be thankful I’m not one of the 45 million turkeys currently wiggling their wattles and awaiting their doom.
Wattle. To ready myself for the month, I’ve just savored saying the word “wattle” a few times. Let’s define it. [WOT-l] The red dangly fleshy lobe that hangs below the turkey’s beak. FYI, the redder, the brighter, and the bigger the wattle is on a male turkey, the hotter he is to the female. Go ahead turkey, strut your stuff.
Tick tock. Change yo’ clock! This Saturday at 2 a.m. the clocks fall back an hour and with it the last vestige of summer is done. But why do we do this thing? The most common reason given is to save energy, especially during the two World Wars. I’m going to blame Ben Franklin who wrote an essay in 1784 proclaiming the thrift of natural versus artificial lighting. I still don’t really get it. I guess I’m just in the dark.
Hee haw! Did you hear about the guy in Zimbabwe who was arrested for getting honky with a donkey? Yep, the donkey was tied to a tree and lying on its side. I’m not making this up. Here’s the best worst part: when the guy was charged with bestiality and stood before the court, he said: “Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid $20 for the service at Down Town nightclub, and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.” I knew it! Shape-shifters are real!
Junk in the trunk! Have you ever heard of fecal transplant therapy? Well, you’re about to and BE WARNED that once you know it, you cannot unknow it. This life-saving treatment for people with “Clostridium difficle” requires doctors to take the poopy out of one person and stick it up the patootie of the diseased. After hearing 33-year-old Arizonan Jerry Grant tell his story (his wife was the “stool donor”), I did some research. The disease afflicts approximately a half million people a year and causes rectal bleeding. All I can say is, “Please God, don’t let that disease butt dial me.”
Bullet on a plane! Given the number of times I’ve had the TSA go through my personal effects as I’ve traveled, I felt sympathy for the girl whose vibrating “toy” was fondled by a TSA agent who then left her a note in her luggage telling her to “Get your freak on, girl!” Well, she Tweeted it, and her pen pal got fired. You go, girl!
For my Ulster County Dairy Princess… A quick story: I was walking down the street the other day and some jerk started throwing milk and butter at me… I couldn’t believe it! How dairy!
Paraprosdokian of the week: You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Now, forget you ever heard of “clostridium difficle” and eat your dinner.
