Bruce Littlefield's Life 101 » Gossip!

What’s Up With America?

Bruce Littlefield — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 19:12:39 +0000

A great publisher I worked with at Harper Collins, the great Joe Tessitore, told me shortly before his retirement that he considered me the “What’s Up With America? guy.” Along those lines, I thought I’d start a new series here at brucelittlefield.com called “What’s Up With America” and feature the things that seem to be too fun, whacky, nutty, interesting to ignore… Like this billboard that just went up in Manhattan on 54th Street and 7th Avenue. As the fantabulous Cindy Adams would say, “Only in New York!”

How to Be a Shark, um, Success

Bruce Littlefield — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:34:13 +0000

Set your DVRs, She-Shark Barbara Corcoran and her rich in the tooth pals are back for the 3rd season in the Shark Tank on ABC Friday night at 8 pm. If you’ve never seen the show, check it out here. And if you want a book that’ll inspire you and show you how to succeed, check out my book with Barbara, Shark Tales: How I Turned $1000 into a Billion Business.

And for those of you who are wondering where I’ve been this January… I’m on lock down on a new project and headed to Sundance next week. I’ll be back in February with more American FUN! Thanks for your friendship.

2011 – Oh, what a year!

Bruce Littlefield — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 17:51:50 +0000

Ho ho ho! I don’t know about you, but I felt 2011 was the year of work work work…
Here’s hoping the last two weeks are filled with FUN for you and yours. If you want some holiday reading: Check out Shark Tales with Barbara Corcoran (for the entrepreneur), The Bedtime Book for Dogs (for kids young & old who love their dog!) and Merry Christmas, America (for your inner Clark Griswold). And OUT THIS WEEK my book with Lis Wiehl-The Truth Advantage: The 7 Keys to a Happy & Fulfilling Life (great for living better!) I’ve got some surprises up my sleeve for 2012… Until then, thank you for your friendship. I wish you the merriest happiest holidays and an exciting ’12!

Bruce’s latest book!

Bruce Littlefield — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:56:25 +0000

My new book with the wonderful Lis Wiehl, The Truth Advantage: 7 Keys to a Happy & Fulfilling Life hits shelves today. (For an excerpt and more info, click the cover.) The book shows how to get more out of life by living truthfully AND how to know if others are telling you the truth. So, when you’re making your New Year’s Resolutions, keep “being more truthful” high on your list. The book is available at Barnes & Noble, on Amazon, and at your local bookseller.

Dinner Party Talk – “Oops” for your weekend

Bruce Littlefield — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:42:42 +0000

Oops. Let’s just call it the word of the week.
Fall cleanup. No, I’m not talking leaves. I’m talking political signs. They aren’t pretty. We don’t want to see you anymore. So, if your name is out there, get off the couch and go clean them up. Then, winners get to work. Losers get to a bar.
Black midnight… The economy is so tough retailers are trying something new. Many stores will open on Thanksgiving at midnight. This new “Black Midnight” has cranked “Black Friday” up a notch. Great. Now salespeople, full on turkey tryptophan, will be even more unhelpful.
Attention Aliens: We don’t know you. The White House this week issued a statement saying there is no evidence that aliens have attempted to contact earth – or that they even exist. But “we’re looking!” The answer came after petitions were submitted through “We the People,” a White House initiative that promises a White House response to any petition that can garner 5,000 signatures in 30 days. That makes me want to start a petition, real bad!
20 kids. So, the fertile reality star Michelle Duggar proudly proclaimed this week “Jim Bob and I are excited to announce that we’re pregnant with baby number 20.” I have three questions. #1. How does she keep her insides from falling out? #2. How do Jim Bob and Michelle have time to do the naughty, when they have 19 kids running around? And #3, I’d like to ask Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace and Josie: Do you feel like J-erks?
Speaking of games… Have you heard about “RandomActsofPizza.com?” Well, it’s an online pay-it-forward type charity that facilitates the sending of pizzas between strangers. The mission is to “restore faith in humanity, one slice at a time.” Basically, you can send a pizza to a person in need or give a pizza to the person who, say, drives a green hybrid. It seems a lot more fun than “Intact America.”
Oh, poop! Environmental activists are attempting to get Nepalese officials to install portable bathroom facilities at the summit of Mount Everest. Seems that climbers have left a mountain of, um, evidence up there and, instead of going away, it’s piling up. I now have a dream… to sit and read a magazine at the top of the world.
Blonde joke of the week: A blonde is walking down the street and her friend says, “Look, a dead bird! The blonde looks up and says, “Where?”
Paraprosdokian of the week (for Herman Cain): Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is usually another woman.
Now, eat your dinner.

Dinner Party Talk – For your weekend

Bruce Littlefield — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:01:28 +0000

Ah, November… After Snowtober, I’m expecting you, dear month, to be kind and gentle to us. I promise to spend your days finding things to be Thankful for. Hmmm, where to start? I’m going to be thankful I’m not one of the 45 million turkeys currently wiggling their wattles and awaiting their doom.
Wattle. To ready myself for the month, I’ve just savored saying the word “wattle” a few times. Let’s define it. [WOT-l] The red dangly fleshy lobe that hangs below the turkey’s beak. FYI, the redder, the brighter, and the bigger the wattle is on a male turkey, the hotter he is to the female. Go ahead turkey, strut your stuff.
Tick tock. Change yo’ clock! This Saturday at 2 a.m. the clocks fall back an hour and with it the last vestige of summer is done. But why do we do this thing? The most common reason given is to save energy, especially during the two World Wars. I’m going to blame Ben Franklin who wrote an essay in 1784 proclaiming the thrift of natural versus artificial lighting. I still don’t really get it. I guess I’m just in the dark.
Hee haw! Did you hear about the guy in Zimbabwe who was arrested for getting honky with a donkey? Yep, the donkey was tied to a tree and lying on its side. I’m not making this up. Here’s the best worst part: when the guy was charged with bestiality and stood before the court, he said: “Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid $20 for the service at Down Town nightclub, and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.” I knew it! Shape-shifters are real!
Junk in the trunk! Have you ever heard of fecal transplant therapy? Well, you’re about to and BE WARNED that once you know it, you cannot unknow it. This life-saving treatment for people with “Clostridium difficle” requires doctors to take the poopy out of one person and stick it up the patootie of the diseased. After hearing 33-year-old Arizonan Jerry Grant tell his story (his wife was the “stool donor”), I did some research. The disease afflicts approximately a half million people a year and causes rectal bleeding. All I can say is, “Please God, don’t let that disease butt dial me.”
Bullet on a plane! Given the number of times I’ve had the TSA go through my personal effects as I’ve traveled, I felt sympathy for the girl whose vibrating “toy” was fondled by a TSA agent who then left her a note in her luggage telling her to “Get your freak on, girl!” Well, she Tweeted it, and her pen pal got fired. You go, girl!
For my Ulster County Dairy Princess… A quick story: I was walking down the street the other day and some jerk started throwing milk and butter at me… I couldn’t believe it! How dairy!
Paraprosdokian of the week: You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Now, forget you ever heard of “clostridium difficle” and eat your dinner.

Happy Halloween!!! (Oh, horror!)

Bruce Littlefield — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 22:34:50 +0000

Okay, okay… imagine you’re a kid and you open the door to THIS! (It’s my ultimate last minute Halloween costume that beautifies while horrifies.) Let’s call it the spa package: facial, head wrap, and robe. It took me all of three minutes and is giving me HOURS of FUN! (But will they accept me for my dinner reservation at a foo-foo Manhattan restaurant?) Happy Halloween to all.

Dinner Party Talk – For your weekend

Bruce Littlefield — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 17:48:07 +0000

Butter up. Last week, I reported that Maxim magazine got butter in its eye and named Paula “It’s a party, y’all” Deen its hottest female TV chef. This week, Huffington Post reported that the Paula Deen Store (that’s like a Wal-Mart with butter in every aisle) has butter flavored lip balm and other flavors too, including peach cobbler, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, key lime pie and banana pudding. I’ve ordered some. Anyone want to eat my lips off?
Think pink. October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I am sending love out to my friends who are battling this beast. I’m sure you probably know someone too. But I was a little shocked to read in USA Today of the surprising decision many women are making of choosing a “preventative mastectomy.” Um, men get testicular cancer too, but I’m keeping the jewels until I’m told they are seriously cracked.
Icky poo. You know those plastic bags that millions of people use daily to scoop their dogs’ poops? Well, according to the AP, the Dutch national railway’s “Sprinter” trains have a bathroomless design. But for those who can’t hold it, they’ve introduced a plastic bag or “pee-bag,” which has a cup-shaped top and contains a highly absorbent material that turns urine into a gel-like mixture. One of the Republican candidates will surely find a use for this to help save money on Medicare in nursing homes.
Question of the week: Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money in the account?!
Quote of the week: “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe
Paraprosdokian of the week: I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
Now, carve your pumpkin and eat your dinner.

Life 101 – Free advice

Bruce Littlefield — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:39:25 +0000

I just returned from my home state of South Carolina where I spoke to more than 600 of the state’s young journalists at the South Carolina Scholastic Press Association’s 75th Anniversary. (More on that soon.) What a treat it was for me to see all the bright-eyed (and hip-clad) students. Seems that lots of people responded to one piece of advice I gave, so I thought I’d share it with you: “If you wait to get everyone’s permission, you’re never going to get anything done.”

Dinner Party Talk – For your weekend

Bruce Littlefield — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 22:09:06 +0000

Exhaustion. I’m on deadline for my new book and feel like a mama pig’s teat. I’m so tired I just put shaving cream on my toothbrush.
Airline security. I just flew back from the Midwest and I’ll tell you airline travel isn’t getting any easier. This week a Salt Lake City man, who after a war with his seatmate to “claim” the armrest, threatened his fellow passenger with a knife that he happened to have in his bag. Responding officers found the knife and we see that, once again, TSA agents had nabbed that bottle of water and let the knife slide on by. I feel safe.
Heads up. U.S. officials say they expect a dead satellite to fall to Earth this week. NASA has been closely watching the satellite, which is 35 feet long, 15 feet in diameter, and, oh, weighs 13,000 pounds. They say it could hit Florida or New York, or Iran or India. Um, basically they don’t know where the hell the thing will land. NASA put the chances that somebody somewhere on Earth will get hurt at 1 in 3,200, and any one person’s odds of being struck at 1 in 21 trillion. I can’t decide if that makes me want to play Lotto, or not.
Ride of your life. So, as you might have heard Dr. Death, Jack Kervorkian, is dead. So, what’s one have to do for assisted suicide these days? Well, Julijonas Urbonas envisions a Euthanasia Coaster. Urbonas, who worked at an amusement park in his native Lithuania and is a PhD candidate in London’s Royal College of Art, has designed a roller coaster that will do you in. The three-minute ride involves a long, slow, climb to 1,600 feet– nearly a third of a mile long — followed by a massive fall and seven strategically sized and placed loops. The final descent and series of loops take all of one minute. But the gravitational force of 10 Gs from the spinning loops at 223 miles per hour in that single minute is lethal. Question I have is: do they buckle you in or is that totally unnecessary? Enjoy the ride.
Enough is enough. Another bullied kid commits suicide. Buffalo 14-year-old Jamey Rodermeyer’s found him dead this past weekend. They say he had been harassed and teased on a regular basis at school about his perceived sexuality. We can’t let this continue. Please, folks, encourage your kids to be a friend and, if they are themselves having trouble, please assure them that they are ok just as they are and find someone for them to talk to.
Short people. Bridgette Jordan, a 22-year-old student at Kaskasia College in Centralia, Illinois, has just been named the world’s shortest woman by Guinness World Records. She’s two feet, three inches tall. For most of us that’s a little more than knee high. Standing next to her, her Chihuahua looks like a Great Dane. Bridgette, and her three feet, two inch tall brother Brad, have a genetic condition known as Majewski osteodysplastic primordial dwarfism type II, but both lead active lives.
Reminder: It’s not pre-marital sex if you never get married.
Paraprosdokian of the week: Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Now, rake those leaves and eat your dinner!