Back in the days when we owned a restaurant, I liked to suit up. But when I grow up, I don’t think I could ever be a mall Santa. According to a survey of the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas, whose many members sit on thrones at 1,130 malls in America, Santas are sneezed on up to ten times a day; nine out of ten have their glasses yanked off or their beard pulled every day; and one-third of them have had to change clothes after being used as a potty. That last one is the final decision maker: Forget the Santa outfit, I’m enrolling in Elf school. Merry Christmas America!