Rest in peace, Sherwood Schwartz. The 94-year-old creator of some of my favorite TV classics like Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island has taken a three-hour tour to heaven. God welcomed him with some rum punch in a coconut cup and a golden threaded hammock.
Rest in peace, Betty Ford. The 93-year-old former First Lady, best known for her honesty about her addictions, her openness about her breast cancer fight, and her eponymously named Betty Ford Center, was welcomed by God this week into heaven with a giant vodka bottle, a straw, and the words, “It’s all good here.”
OUTRAGE! So, Michelle Obama went to Shake Shack and ordered a burger, fries, chocolate shake, and a Diet Coke. A 1700-calorie meal! Certain bloggers screamed, “how can she fight obesity AND eat a hamburger?!” In fact, how dare she eat at all! I demand she go on a hunger strike like people in those other countries without a debt-ceiling do. That’ll show ‘em.
Speaking of buns and wieners… Hold your stomach. Did you hear about the California woman who reportedly drugged her husband, tied him to the bed, cut off his disco stick, and threw it in the garbage disposal? Let me try to answer your questions. Her name is Catherine Becker, not Maria Shriver. Yes, she turned on the disposal. And, yes, bits and pieces were recovered from the crime scene and transported to the hospital for possible reattachment. Depending on the artistry of the surgeon, hubby may or may not have a John Wayne Bobbit porn career.
Turning over the reins. Excuse me if I am eMOOtional. Cheyenne Faerber has turned over her Ulster County Dairy Princess crown to the lovely Savannah Baker. So, hi there, Savannah! Let me remind you… cows can’t vomit, produce 15-20 gallons of saliva a day, and can only go upstairs not downstairs. What does this mean? Never take a drunken cow to bed.
Last laugh. I just read some statistics on sanity that says one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. Do they seem okay? Well, then it’s you.